The Day I Became A Dad, Scary Huh?

The day started off extremely productive. My father in-law came over to check out the spray-in mold/moisture resistant insulation in the basement, which lead us straight to Hanley Williams to order sheet rock. After dropping $500+ on the rock, we grabbed some grinders for lunch and ate them out back at my house. Apparently eating outside got the father in-law's head wandering, because in the blink of an eye he had a tape measure in his hand and he was getting a measurement for lumber to finish my fence. Next thing I know, I'm dropping another $500+ for the wood. I get back to the house just in time to meet the sheet rock delivery guy at my house, and lug 30 sheets of rock down into my basement. So at this point in the day, I'm a G lighter in the pockets and my back is fucking killing me. But my wife is home from work, she was feeling kinda funny, and the nephew wants to hit some baseballs at the school down the street, so the next place I found myself was shagging balls in the outfield. As we played ball, my wife did laps to see if she could walk out whatever it was that was making her feel different. She finished a couple laps, went to the bathroom, came back and said she felt like she was still peeing. Shit was about to get real.

We went home and she went straight to to bathroom. About 30 seconds later I her say from the bathroom, "I'm pretty sure my water broke." I immediately looked at my phone and the time read 4:20, which made me pretty happy. Next, she called the doctor and he told her to to meet him at the hospital in an hour. That made me even happier, because earlier we had talked about hitting Dairy Queen, and with an hour to kill, a chocolate shake was definitely in my near future. And that's exactly what we did. There I was, in line at DQ about to indulge in a delicious shake, while my leaking wife stuffed her face with a strawberry cheesecake blizzard. A little different reaction then the typical, "Holy fucking shit, we're having a baby!" reaction you see in the movies or on tv. I didn't frantically run out the house with pajama pants on, a shirt on backwards, and unmatching shoes. Much different, we got the DQ, went home showered, and I packed a diesel lunchbox filled with 2 PB&Fs, 4 snack packs, a couple cereal bars, and a snickers. Listen I'd been to the classes on this shit, I knew it was possible that I might go long periods of time without eating, and I'm sure the people at the hospital didn't want the Incredible Hulk running around the place. Which is exactly what I turn into when I'm hungry. And to make absolute sure, we went through the drive-thru and got some McDibble snacks on the way there.

The contractions started to hit her real hard in the car after we made it through McDonald's. As she started to skreech in pain, I did what I thought a good husband was supposed to do, and I reached over to hold her hand. Wrong move.
"Don't fucking touch me!" she yelled. So I yanked back my hand with the quickness.
"Are you ok?" I asked with a concerned tone in my voice.
"SHUT UP!" she screamed. Obviously she could give a shit less about my level of concern.
"So you just want me to keep my mouth shut, and leave you alone?" I asked, sort of anticipating a backhand from the wife.
"Yes! Just leave me alone!" she yelled. And that moment, I realized that she may be pinning all the blame for the pain she was experiencing on me. And I guess I couldn't blame her, it's not like she knocked herself up. But when my boy came out, he had a rather dark complexion and I realized we have a black guy that fills in for our mailman once in a while. Maybe someone else was to blame. Anyways, we'll get back to how beautiful the baby is later in this story.

Once in the hospital, we were greeted by the nurse that was going to be taking care of us. Lucky us, we got the same nurse that we had teaching us the birthing classes. So I knew that I'd be able to fuck around in the delivery room and she would tolerate it. It was 6 hour before my wife even began to push, so I had all kinds of time to kill. First thing I did was open up the Westerly phonebook, and I went through making fun of as many names as I could. You'd be surprised how funny the phonebook can be. I can't remember any of the names, so you're gonna have to take my word for it, it's fucking hilarious. After busting on names, I tried looking for hookers, excuse me "escorts", in the yellow pages. Westerly must really be a nice town, because I couldn't find one working girl. Then I tought the nurse how to rip the phonebook in half. Nobody uses a phonebook anymore anyways, so she didn't give a shit about ripping it. By this point, my wife was nicely drugged up and giggly, so I put on some soothing music for her to listen to. This is what I played.

It got some good laughs out of the wife and the nurse. And at that point it was getting close to push time. I won't get totally into the delivery, but lets just say it took 3+ hours and wasn't easy on the lady. While the pushing was going on the Sox happened to be in an extra inning game, so in between pushes you would find me and two of the nurses posted up in front of the tv rooting the Sox on. The Sox were victorious and shortly after the game ended, the delivery time was here. And I'll tell you what, everyone told me not to look because I'll never be able to look at a vagina the same again, well maybe I'm a sick fuck or something, but it didn't gross me out at all, and I still love vagina. Fucking morons. The only thing that grossed me out was when my wife got sick while pushing and puked. I couldn't take that shit. My son's head got stuck a certain way on his way out, so they had to put the penis pump looking vacuum on his head to pull him out. They told us about the thing in class, but they didn't say the doc was gonna stick it to head, grip the vacuum with both hands, plant both feet, and yank like a motherfucker. I swear I was waiting for the doctor to put one foot up on the bed and rip the fucking vacuum cord back like a goddamn pull-start lawnmower. But before that thought even finished forming in my head, I all of the sudden saw the most amazing thing I had ever seen in my entire life. My son was there in front of me. Alive and well. Tan complexion. Full head of hair. Big red nut sack. Squealing like a billy goat. I was a father! I cut the cord and then made jokes with the doc about how the afterbirth looks like a cow liver, or a delmonico steak. Almost good enough to eat. That kinda grossed out the nurses. I would definitely say that this day will go down in the history books as the most amazing day of my life. And now ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I present to you Armbone Stallone Jr.