Armbone's Guide to Life, Parenting, and Living as a Functioning Dengenerate

So I spent a total of 13 hours on the road yesterday. Sucked me fucking ass! We were released from school around 5:30am, after having to be up at 4:00am for a 4:30 barracks inspection. Not gonna lie, it was a rough way to start a day for me. Between having a 10 hour drive ahead me and going out the night before, I'd say my risk assessment should've been a little on the high side. But you know, especially after two weeks of bullshit, nothing was gonna stop me from getting home to my wife and baby boy. The last night there one of my classmates and I went out to a place called Quaker Steak & Lube. Place was fucking awesome! $11.99 all you can eat boneless wings and $5.00 32oz drafts. So in the words of the great Tom Brady, we were getting a little "lubed up". (Quick distraction, I'm writing this from my son's swim lesson, and the lifeguard across from me looks like a 30 year old Eugene Levy. For those who don't know, he was the bad guy in Splash and als

I'd like to give you a quick story about a young soldier, that will give you an idea of what the fuck we're dealing with in the modern day army. A couple years ago, I was over in Kuwait on my second deployment. It was a pretty tit deployment, no danger, just pretty much everyday work as if you were in the usa. Except it gets really hot and you can never leave the base. While on base, soldiers move around in humvees and other military vehicles, but they also drive vans, pickup trucks, and John Deere Gators. Well one day, one of our young specialists backed a 15 passenger van into a Gator. For those who don't know what a Gator is, it's pretty much a beefed up 4x4 golf cart. Anyway, she backs the van into the Gator. Later on that day I had to go see this young soldier to get an accident report from her. This is pretty much exactly how the conversation went. "Spc. I need you to tell me exactly what happened?" Armbone. "I already told SFC Ru Paul." Sp

As I sit here in my room, down in the seventh circle of hell, I find myself thinking, it's been a long time since I've shared some knowledge with all my loyal Armboners. So I figured what better time then now. I'm currently in Ft. Eustis Virginia at school, trying to better myself in the ways of JOMS. For those who aren't familiar with JOMS, I'll quickly explain. JOMS is an acronym made up by myself and partner in crime LD. As you know, everything in the Army gets an acronym because apparently us soldiers are just too fucking lazy to actually sound out entire English words. Anyway, anytime our unit needs anything large or heavy moved, they automatically call Armbone and LD. The two J erk- O ffs to M ove the S hit. JOMS= Jerk-Off Move Shit. Picking up what I'm putting down? Good, back to the reason I'm here. I'm being trained to be a transportation manager, so I can be the guy in charge of organizing the movement of anything that needs to be moved from on