McDonald's, Rest Stops, and Mongolians
So I spent a total of 13 hours on the road yesterday. Sucked me fucking ass! We were released from school around 5:30am, after having to be up at 4:00am for a 4:30 barracks inspection. Not gonna lie, it was a rough way to start a day for me. Between having a 10 hour drive ahead me and going out the night before, I'd say my risk assessment should've been a little on the high side. But you know, especially after two weeks of bullshit, nothing was gonna stop me from getting home to my wife and baby boy.
The last night there one of my classmates and I went out to a place called Quaker Steak & Lube. Place was fucking awesome! $11.99 all you can eat boneless wings and $5.00 32oz drafts. So in the words of the great Tom Brady, we were getting a little "lubed up". (Quick distraction, I'm writing this from my son's swim lesson, and the lifeguard across from me looks like a 30 year old Eugene Levy. For those who don't know, he was the bad guy in Splash and also played Jim's dad in American Pie. This guy's got the unibrow, Jew-fro, the whole nine.) Back to the story. After 18 wings, 5 beers, and getting to sleep around midnight, I knew driving to CT wasn't a good idea but I began the journey anyway.
The trip started a little rough. First the GPS couldn't find a signal, so the first 20 minutes of the drive I had no fucking clue where to go. Once it finally decided to work, I started bombing the highway right around the time my eyes started closing on their own. So like a responsible adult I stopped to rest. I figured what better place to sleep at 6am then a McDonald's parking lot. I figured I could sleep a bit, then wake up to a cup of coffee and an egg McMuffin, and be back on my way. Plus the parking lot was busy enough that I felt like I wasn't in any danger of being gang raped by a pack of drunken bums in the backseat of my car. After a solid hour and a half nap, I woke up and drove two more hours, until I found another McDonald's. Guess what I did there. Slept another hour in that parking lot.
Fully rested, and fully fueled by two cups of coffee and a Kaos Monster, I was now ready to drive until I hit CT. The only thing stopping me was periodic piss breaks at random rest stops. Listening to a Super Bowl "party safety tips" show, I learned that you shouldn't wait too long to piss because it could lead to a urinary tract infection. They said during the Super Bowl every year, people don't use the bathroom because they don't want to miss any action. And they still don't go during the commercials because they don't want to miss those. Leading to a spike in reported urinary tract infections. Fucked up huh. They also said holding it when having to pee, can lead to constipation, and constipation leads to bed-wetting. You can learn some important shit when you're channel surfing during a 10 hour drive. Needless to say after hearing that shit, I stopped frequently.
I stopped at one rest stop at the same time a couple double decker tour buses full of Asians pulled in. You should've seen some of these fuckers. On my way outta the bathroom, I almost ran straight into one little ninja wearing a patten leather vest with a fur lined hood. Fruity fucker even had a shiny leather man purse, or satchel, to match his faggy vest. Going through the food line at Roy Rogers, I looked like Andre the Giant. Surrounded by crab rangoon and I not hearing a word of English being spoken around me, I was actually looking forward to placing my order because I figured at least the people behind the counter will speak my native tongue. Not to fast Armbnone. Haji's! All haji's! Roy Rogers would be rolling over in his grave if knew of this treachery. That man is god damn amurican, and if alive, he'd burn down this fucking rest stop just to prove a point. Once sitting down to enjoy my shitty, dry, bacon cheeseburger and over cooked fried chicken, I started thinking about Enter the Dragon. The part where Bruce Lee is just demolitioning all the little chinaman. (I know chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature) I really sat there envisioning myself starting a huge brawl and turning into the great white ninja. I had this idea right up until I saw what had to be a direct decendent of Genghis Khan. This greasy mongolian, sitting at the table directly to my right, sat there ravaging a basket of chicken. This guy sat there, straight long hair, gnarly goatee, angry look in his eyes, and he would bite the chicken legs in half, suck the meat off the bone and suck the marrow out the middle. Of coarse any idea rest stop supremacy went out the window once I saw this crazy mongolian. You think I'm going down like China, or Oshman's Sporting Goods? No fucking way my friends. I had a wife and kid to get home to, and a Super Bowl to watch.
With all that said, I made it home safe and sound. My son was super excited to see me, which was awesome. My wife had dinner waiting for me, which was wicked awesome. (even though someone else cooked it, JOMS, good looking out LD) And I got a good night's sleep for the first time in weeks. All and all, things are good right now for Armbone. Night night my boners.
PS: Pats 34- Giants 21
The last night there one of my classmates and I went out to a place called Quaker Steak & Lube. Place was fucking awesome! $11.99 all you can eat boneless wings and $5.00 32oz drafts. So in the words of the great Tom Brady, we were getting a little "lubed up". (Quick distraction, I'm writing this from my son's swim lesson, and the lifeguard across from me looks like a 30 year old Eugene Levy. For those who don't know, he was the bad guy in Splash and also played Jim's dad in American Pie. This guy's got the unibrow, Jew-fro, the whole nine.) Back to the story. After 18 wings, 5 beers, and getting to sleep around midnight, I knew driving to CT wasn't a good idea but I began the journey anyway.
The trip started a little rough. First the GPS couldn't find a signal, so the first 20 minutes of the drive I had no fucking clue where to go. Once it finally decided to work, I started bombing the highway right around the time my eyes started closing on their own. So like a responsible adult I stopped to rest. I figured what better place to sleep at 6am then a McDonald's parking lot. I figured I could sleep a bit, then wake up to a cup of coffee and an egg McMuffin, and be back on my way. Plus the parking lot was busy enough that I felt like I wasn't in any danger of being gang raped by a pack of drunken bums in the backseat of my car. After a solid hour and a half nap, I woke up and drove two more hours, until I found another McDonald's. Guess what I did there. Slept another hour in that parking lot.
Fully rested, and fully fueled by two cups of coffee and a Kaos Monster, I was now ready to drive until I hit CT. The only thing stopping me was periodic piss breaks at random rest stops. Listening to a Super Bowl "party safety tips" show, I learned that you shouldn't wait too long to piss because it could lead to a urinary tract infection. They said during the Super Bowl every year, people don't use the bathroom because they don't want to miss any action. And they still don't go during the commercials because they don't want to miss those. Leading to a spike in reported urinary tract infections. Fucked up huh. They also said holding it when having to pee, can lead to constipation, and constipation leads to bed-wetting. You can learn some important shit when you're channel surfing during a 10 hour drive. Needless to say after hearing that shit, I stopped frequently.
I stopped at one rest stop at the same time a couple double decker tour buses full of Asians pulled in. You should've seen some of these fuckers. On my way outta the bathroom, I almost ran straight into one little ninja wearing a patten leather vest with a fur lined hood. Fruity fucker even had a shiny leather man purse, or satchel, to match his faggy vest. Going through the food line at Roy Rogers, I looked like Andre the Giant. Surrounded by crab rangoon and I not hearing a word of English being spoken around me, I was actually looking forward to placing my order because I figured at least the people behind the counter will speak my native tongue. Not to fast Armbnone. Haji's! All haji's! Roy Rogers would be rolling over in his grave if knew of this treachery. That man is god damn amurican, and if alive, he'd burn down this fucking rest stop just to prove a point. Once sitting down to enjoy my shitty, dry, bacon cheeseburger and over cooked fried chicken, I started thinking about Enter the Dragon. The part where Bruce Lee is just demolitioning all the little chinaman. (I know chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature) I really sat there envisioning myself starting a huge brawl and turning into the great white ninja. I had this idea right up until I saw what had to be a direct decendent of Genghis Khan. This greasy mongolian, sitting at the table directly to my right, sat there ravaging a basket of chicken. This guy sat there, straight long hair, gnarly goatee, angry look in his eyes, and he would bite the chicken legs in half, suck the meat off the bone and suck the marrow out the middle. Of coarse any idea rest stop supremacy went out the window once I saw this crazy mongolian. You think I'm going down like China, or Oshman's Sporting Goods? No fucking way my friends. I had a wife and kid to get home to, and a Super Bowl to watch.
With all that said, I made it home safe and sound. My son was super excited to see me, which was awesome. My wife had dinner waiting for me, which was wicked awesome. (even though someone else cooked it, JOMS, good looking out LD) And I got a good night's sleep for the first time in weeks. All and all, things are good right now for Armbone. Night night my boners.
PS: Pats 34- Giants 21
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