Father of the Year Moment
The other day I got my 2 year old, Armbone Jr aka AJ,
standing in the bathroom sink so I can wash his feet. I got my left arm around
his waist, the water running, and I’m washing his feet with the right. What I
didn’t realize is that the wife has one of them plug-in air-fresheners in the
outlet just to the left of the sink. (It’s one of those Yankee Candle shits
that you turn on and it heats up the wax in the cup at the top, and the smell
good gets released) So there I am being a good dad and cleaning the fuck-ton of
sand from between his toes….. By the way, how these kids get so much fucking
sand in their shoes is beyond me. It’s like the daycare ladies dip the kid’s
feet in honey and let them run wild in the damn sandbox. Then they throw the
socks back on, just to shove it up the parent’s asses. Just a little sweet revenge
for having to wipe our kid’s snotty noses, change their shitty diapers, and put
up with their little toddler attitudes. I can imagine them sitting home,
sipping a glass of wine, with a shit eating grin, daydreaming about Armbone
struggling in the sink…….back to the story.... and AJ says,
“It too hot!” he yells.
“Ooooo, Daddy it too hot.”
There wasn’t much concern in the tone of his voice, so I figured
he’s talking about the water. I turn the hot down a little and keep on the
task at hand. With the water cooled
down, I say,
“Relax, it’s not too hot.”
He fires back, “It too hot! It too hot! Ooooooo, Daddy, it
too hot.” Voice-tone kicked up a bit, I'll admit, but not enough to make me think he’s talking
about anything other than the water on his feet. I figured he was just putting on an act so I'd get him out of the sink.
“Just relax, it’s not too hot!” Now I’m getting aggravated.“It too hot!” he yells.
As I go to yell back, mind you I'm arguing with a 2 year old, I finally look up from his feet to
notice he’s 4 fingers/2 knuckles deep in the hot wax. FUUUUCCCK! I rip his
hand out of the molten lava and start stripping the wax off his fingers. Why
the hell wouldn’t he pull his fingers out of the fucking wax the second
he realized it’s scorching hot? Was he was testing me? Maybe he figured, Daddy
was away for a year, and the three months that he’s been home have gone way too smooth. An occasional piss on the floor here, a bump on the head there. Nothing serious. Time
to throw a monkey wrench at old Armbone, and see how long it takes for his
dumb ass to notice. Well you little shit, you win this round. Chalk one up to
toddlers everywhere.
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