Armbone Had an Epiphany!
I thought my birthing class days were over a couple weeks ago, when I blogged about the man tits, penis pumps, and what not. Apparently I had forgotten about a three hour course we signed up for the same time we signed up for the birthing class. Well that class was tonight. It was called "Caring For Your Newborn", and it's a class that touched on all the real important shit that you didn't learn in the birthing class. For example: changing diapers, how to swaddle a baby, how to save a choking baby, and breast feeding. It was a little toned down when compared to the birthing classes, but I did manage to learn a few tidbits of information that I think all you armboners might be find interesting.
First the teacher told us all the in's and out's of breast feeding. The baby drops out the vag automatically knowing that it needs to find the tit and suck, in order to survive. Just like a dog, or a cat would. Amazing how nature works. You know how pregnant chicks get that weird dark line up their belly? Well that shit is there for a reason. That, and the darkness of the nipples, are dark like that to direct the baby toward the titties, so they can get their grub on. Pretty amazing huh. The baby's born, can't talk or walk, but knows to use it's eyes and follow the strip map that has naturally been placed on their mother's body to direct them to food. Un-fucking-real. Upon gathering this information, I had an epiphany. I figured out why there's such an obsession with breasts in the world. Everyone, both male and female, loves a nice set of titties. Men love everything about them, and all women want to have them. Well it turns out, it's because we are all genetically pre-programed to seek out and find the tittie from the moment we enter this world. I never thought I'd come up with that gem in a "Caring For Your Newborn" class. Next we watched an instructional video on how to get the baby to attach to the nipple correctly. Not gonna lie, the lady in the video had watermelons for tits, and dinner plates for nipples. Enormous! Just wanted to throw that out there. Anyways, it showed a side view of how much the baby takes into it's mouth while feeding. I shit you not, the fucking nipples looked like some big old, orange, carrot nips. Fucking crazy looking, and not that attractive.
She got into talking about how the baby needs skin to skin contact, so it can get some of the bacteria and bugs that naturally live on our skin, to get it's body immune to certain shit. It needs this because all the natural bacteria it had on it, from when it was in the belly, got squeegeed off in the process of birth. Turns out, not only do women have titties that magnetically draw you to them, they also have a magical vagina that doubles as a squeegee. Total mindfuck! I'm offically convinced that they are the more amazing gender. Don't get me wrong, seeing the shit I've seen during this pregnancy, I sure as fuck wouldn't want to be one. But I will proudly admit that women are quite a bit more amzing then our boring, dick swinging, asses. Sorry fellas. We may get some awesome genes like atheltics, common sense, and the ability the drink ourselves into a coma. But we definitely don't possess magnetic nipples, squeegee vaginas, or the ability nurse a living thing to health. I digress.
The last thing that kinda made me laugh, was when she talked about circumcizing the boy. If you can believe it, there were people in the class that didn't know what an uncircumcized wang looks like. Personally I think they're all lying, because if you've ever watched a porno, or have ever been in a miltary/prison shower, at one point or another you've inadvertently seen an anteater. But since there were people that "never" seen one, the teacher asked me to pull the hood of my sweatshirt up over my head and pull the strings tight over my face. In the process, I became a life size model of an uncircumcized penis. Un-fucking-believeable!
First the teacher told us all the in's and out's of breast feeding. The baby drops out the vag automatically knowing that it needs to find the tit and suck, in order to survive. Just like a dog, or a cat would. Amazing how nature works. You know how pregnant chicks get that weird dark line up their belly? Well that shit is there for a reason. That, and the darkness of the nipples, are dark like that to direct the baby toward the titties, so they can get their grub on. Pretty amazing huh. The baby's born, can't talk or walk, but knows to use it's eyes and follow the strip map that has naturally been placed on their mother's body to direct them to food. Un-fucking-real. Upon gathering this information, I had an epiphany. I figured out why there's such an obsession with breasts in the world. Everyone, both male and female, loves a nice set of titties. Men love everything about them, and all women want to have them. Well it turns out, it's because we are all genetically pre-programed to seek out and find the tittie from the moment we enter this world. I never thought I'd come up with that gem in a "Caring For Your Newborn" class. Next we watched an instructional video on how to get the baby to attach to the nipple correctly. Not gonna lie, the lady in the video had watermelons for tits, and dinner plates for nipples. Enormous! Just wanted to throw that out there. Anyways, it showed a side view of how much the baby takes into it's mouth while feeding. I shit you not, the fucking nipples looked like some big old, orange, carrot nips. Fucking crazy looking, and not that attractive.
She got into talking about how the baby needs skin to skin contact, so it can get some of the bacteria and bugs that naturally live on our skin, to get it's body immune to certain shit. It needs this because all the natural bacteria it had on it, from when it was in the belly, got squeegeed off in the process of birth. Turns out, not only do women have titties that magnetically draw you to them, they also have a magical vagina that doubles as a squeegee. Total mindfuck! I'm offically convinced that they are the more amazing gender. Don't get me wrong, seeing the shit I've seen during this pregnancy, I sure as fuck wouldn't want to be one. But I will proudly admit that women are quite a bit more amzing then our boring, dick swinging, asses. Sorry fellas. We may get some awesome genes like atheltics, common sense, and the ability the drink ourselves into a coma. But we definitely don't possess magnetic nipples, squeegee vaginas, or the ability nurse a living thing to health. I digress.
The last thing that kinda made me laugh, was when she talked about circumcizing the boy. If you can believe it, there were people in the class that didn't know what an uncircumcized wang looks like. Personally I think they're all lying, because if you've ever watched a porno, or have ever been in a miltary/prison shower, at one point or another you've inadvertently seen an anteater. But since there were people that "never" seen one, the teacher asked me to pull the hood of my sweatshirt up over my head and pull the strings tight over my face. In the process, I became a life size model of an uncircumcized penis. Un-fucking-believeable!
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