Karma Sutra, Squirt Bottles, and Taint
Birthing class numero tres was tonight. It was another interesting class, containing a couple moments of severe hilarity. The class laughed hard and the teacher informed me that she's never had so many inappropriate comments in any of her prior classes. Don't worry though, she said it in a good way.
First thing that we went over tonight, were the different positions the woman can be in while pushing. The beginning was a pretty boring part of class for the man. We pretty much just sat there, while the women sat holding their knees, with their chins down to their chest, practicing pushing for ten seconds on and off. While this was going on, my mind had time to wander. So I was looking at the chart of different "pushing positions", and I couldn't help but notice that they all strangely resembled sex positions. Call me a pervert, but I bet I wasn't the only guy in the class that was thinking this shit. So here they are. There's the most common pushing position called the "c" position, where the woman sits up holding her knees, with her chin down. This one doesn't look much like a sexual position, more like she's pushing out a dump. The next couple definitely do. First, the "Hand and Knees" position, which I'm not gonna sugar coat, is doggstyle. Then there's the "Side-Lying" position. This is when the woman lays on her side, and you stand on the side of the bed while hold her leg in the air. I think we can all picture this bedroom gem. Oh yeah. And last is the "Supported Squat", which is when she's sitting on the bed, while you're holding up one of her legs, and the nurse is holding up the other. Now, if you've ever been involved in this phenomenal scene, then you are officially a sexual dynamo, and the envy of most man. It's funny how the circle of life works. One night you're on your hands and knees partaking in pleasurable pain, and nine months later you're on your hand and knees pushing in excruciating pain. Fucked up, I know. Everyday I thank god I was born with a penis.
Next, the teacher started showing us objects that we'll see during and after labor. One of things that made me laugh, was the squirt bottle. She explained to the class that for the first six weeks after having the child, there's gonna be bleeding, and burning, and pretty much a bunch of uncomfortability. They give you this squirt bottle, so that the woman can squirt her crotch with warm water while pissing and what not. This shit cracked me up, and it made me realize that nurses have an extremely interesting job. She said that the first couple times the woman goes to the bathroom, the nurse will be squating down in front of her, squiting her while she goes. Wow! Quite the fucking job you got there Focker. She went on to explain how pretty much everything involving the lady parts for that six week period is painful, including sex. And she said it's pretty much impossible. This was about the point in the class when I made a comment that brought everyone to tears, including the teacher. And the teacher told me something that I really took as a compliment.
"I know someone that has two kids 10 months apart." I said.
"Yeah, that's called Irish twins." one of my classmates said.
"She just said it's pretty much impossible, but it obviously happens." I said.
"Yes, but it's extremely painful." teacher jumped in.
"So do you think my buddy was squirting her down there, with that bottle, while he was gettin it in?" I asked the teacher. "Ya know, to ease the pain." This caused the class, including her, to erupt in laughter. Then she dropped the compliment.
"That's easily the most inappropriate thing anyone has every said in any of my classes. Every week you top yourself." she said.
With joy in my heart, I thanked her.
Last thing we did was watch another video. I don't really remember much about the video, because all I can think about was the perineum tear. For those who don't know what a perineum is, it's the scientific term for taint. The area between the vagina and the a-hole. The video explained that sometimes during labor, the woman may end up with a perineal tear. Holy shit! A torn fucking taint! Thank you, thank you, thank you, for making me a man. I can't believe the shit these poor women have to go through. Anyways, right after it talked about this in the video, they showed this girl laying on her side, screaming her head off. As she was on the screen, the teacher says,
"I hate the way this girl screams."
So I said, "What do expect? She just tore her friggin taint!"
Everyone laughed, and the teacher shook her head with a smile. It was a fantastic finish, to yet another fantastic class.
First thing that we went over tonight, were the different positions the woman can be in while pushing. The beginning was a pretty boring part of class for the man. We pretty much just sat there, while the women sat holding their knees, with their chins down to their chest, practicing pushing for ten seconds on and off. While this was going on, my mind had time to wander. So I was looking at the chart of different "pushing positions", and I couldn't help but notice that they all strangely resembled sex positions. Call me a pervert, but I bet I wasn't the only guy in the class that was thinking this shit. So here they are. There's the most common pushing position called the "c" position, where the woman sits up holding her knees, with her chin down. This one doesn't look much like a sexual position, more like she's pushing out a dump. The next couple definitely do. First, the "Hand and Knees" position, which I'm not gonna sugar coat, is doggstyle. Then there's the "Side-Lying" position. This is when the woman lays on her side, and you stand on the side of the bed while hold her leg in the air. I think we can all picture this bedroom gem. Oh yeah. And last is the "Supported Squat", which is when she's sitting on the bed, while you're holding up one of her legs, and the nurse is holding up the other. Now, if you've ever been involved in this phenomenal scene, then you are officially a sexual dynamo, and the envy of most man. It's funny how the circle of life works. One night you're on your hands and knees partaking in pleasurable pain, and nine months later you're on your hand and knees pushing in excruciating pain. Fucked up, I know. Everyday I thank god I was born with a penis.
Next, the teacher started showing us objects that we'll see during and after labor. One of things that made me laugh, was the squirt bottle. She explained to the class that for the first six weeks after having the child, there's gonna be bleeding, and burning, and pretty much a bunch of uncomfortability. They give you this squirt bottle, so that the woman can squirt her crotch with warm water while pissing and what not. This shit cracked me up, and it made me realize that nurses have an extremely interesting job. She said that the first couple times the woman goes to the bathroom, the nurse will be squating down in front of her, squiting her while she goes. Wow! Quite the fucking job you got there Focker. She went on to explain how pretty much everything involving the lady parts for that six week period is painful, including sex. And she said it's pretty much impossible. This was about the point in the class when I made a comment that brought everyone to tears, including the teacher. And the teacher told me something that I really took as a compliment.
"I know someone that has two kids 10 months apart." I said.
"Yeah, that's called Irish twins." one of my classmates said.
"She just said it's pretty much impossible, but it obviously happens." I said.
"Yes, but it's extremely painful." teacher jumped in.
"So do you think my buddy was squirting her down there, with that bottle, while he was gettin it in?" I asked the teacher. "Ya know, to ease the pain." This caused the class, including her, to erupt in laughter. Then she dropped the compliment.
"That's easily the most inappropriate thing anyone has every said in any of my classes. Every week you top yourself." she said.
With joy in my heart, I thanked her.
Last thing we did was watch another video. I don't really remember much about the video, because all I can think about was the perineum tear. For those who don't know what a perineum is, it's the scientific term for taint. The area between the vagina and the a-hole. The video explained that sometimes during labor, the woman may end up with a perineal tear. Holy shit! A torn fucking taint! Thank you, thank you, thank you, for making me a man. I can't believe the shit these poor women have to go through. Anyways, right after it talked about this in the video, they showed this girl laying on her side, screaming her head off. As she was on the screen, the teacher says,
"I hate the way this girl screams."
So I said, "What do expect? She just tore her friggin taint!"
Everyone laughed, and the teacher shook her head with a smile. It was a fantastic finish, to yet another fantastic class.
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