Armbone's alone with Jack and El Capitan

It's been 4 days now since the wife and kid left to visit family in North Dakota. I'm realizing that being alone, not having a woman around, and not having a child in the house that I'm supposed to make sure is alive at all times, gets really fucking boring and can almost start to make yourself feel a little crazy. I've had to work everyday, so at least I've gotten out the house and hit the gym, so I don't feel like a total piece of shit. I've also visited the parents, gone out to eat with them, went to a my nephews football game (lost to a bunch of cheating, pussy-ass Ledyard kids), and met up for a couple of cocktails with a buddy of mine (in a bar full of douche bags). So I haven't been cooped up the whole time. But when I'm home, in an empty house, with absolutely no responsibilities, some weird shit has happened.

The other night I sitting home, catching up on the dvr, and I decide to have a cocktail. I'm a responsible adult, I can have a cocktail right? So I have a jack and coke, and watch some Scarface. Start surfing the Internet, and manage to impulse buy a $140 stack off of GNC.com. Most likely won't have bought that shit if Mr. Daniels wasn't in my system, but I was out of supplements and he was sitting on my shoulder telling me how great a deal it was. Then he pointed out that my glass was empty. So naturally I didn't want to upset the man, I made another one. Hey, fuck you, I'm a responsible adult remember! Sorry, thought I heard someone question my decision to have another cocktail. So a little drinky, a little J.O., a little B.M., and I was off to dreamland. It was the next morning when the weird shit occurred. I wake up and look at the alarm clock, it read 6:44am. My initial reaction was "Oh fuck! I start work at 6:30, gotta call and let them know I'll be right there". So I did, and there wasn't a problem. I just had to grab a dozen donuts from D&D on the way in. So I throw on my clothes, and begin my normal morning routine. First, I have to give the cat fresh food and water. Huh, his bowls look freshly filled. Weird, maybe he wasn't hungry yesterday? Next, I turn on the coffee maker. Walk over to it and there a full pot of coffee brewed. I tried to remember if I left the pot full from yesterday. Definitely didn't do that, so how the fuck is there a piping hot, freshly brewed pot of coffee, with my travel mug sitting next to the coffee maker on the counter? So the cat's fed, the coffee is made. The only thing left for me to do is shave. Walk in the bathroom, look in the mirror, and sure as shit I'm freshly shaved. Mind was officially blown. How the hell could I have already been up, did all this shit, and have no recollection of any of it all? Was it even me? Was it Mr. Daniels trying to hook me up? Or was it my wiener, like my buddy LD suggested? LD's theory is that since the woman has been away, I've been taking such good care of Capt. Winky, that he wanted to let me relax and he'd take care of all the morning to do shit. He also thinks that if I would've given El Capitan a couple more tugs, there might of been breakfast made on the kitchen table. All I know is, I'm probably better off with a woman in the house, and a diesel 5 month baby, to occupy Armbone's time. Respect Armbone's Authority!