Man Tits, Penis Pumps, and Deaf People
When my wife first told me we were gonna be taking a birthing class, my first thoughts were, "Fuck that, I heard those classes were bullshit". Well I'm not gonna lie, I learned a lot and I'm glad we did it. Overall I had a good time, and meet some good people. Also gained a few armboners in the process. Well tonight was the last class. It was a little more tame then I would've liked, but there were a few good laughs.
The class started off with the teacher showing us a few more things we might encounter during labor, if there are any complications. The first thing was the vacuum, used in vacuum extration deliveries. It's not like a shop-vac, although that would be pretty funny. It was a hand held, pump vac. It had a cup at the end of a tube, the tube ran to a hand pump, and you grip the handle of it in and out to create suction. As she was holding it up, one of the other guys in the class started laughing to himself. The teacher turn to him and asked what he was laughing about.
"All I can think about is Austin Powers." he said.
The whole class busted out laughing. All at once, we realized that the vacuum looked exactly like the Swedish Penis Enlarger. "That's not my bag baby!" How did I let that slip by me, being the movie buff that I am? Anyways, she passed the it around so we could get feel for how strong the suction of the vacuum can be. When it got to me, I put my palm against the cup, and pumped the handle a few times. I thought about how painful it would be if I stuck my penis in it. I shit you not, the fucking vacuum was strong. Probably would suck the bedsheets straight up my ass. (Note to self, don't use delivery vacuum as swedish penis enlarger)
Then we watched a movie about c-sections. In the video, the couple that was having the child, were both deaf. I'm not to sure why, but that made laugh a little. The video was pretty interes...ya know what, I'm not gonna lie, I can't remember a fucking thing about the video because all I could think about was how they were both deaf. My wife and I started thinking of questions. How do they know when the baby is crying? How do they know if it's hungry? Do they sleep in shifts? If they're both sleeping at the same time, then how would they know if anything's wrong with the kid? I'm not sure, but I don't think there's a baby monitor that reaches out from your nightstand, and slaps you in the head if your not waking up to sound of your crying child. I could be wrong though. I did learn that when they perform the c-section, they still want the baby to have immediate skin to skin contact with a parent. So, while the wife would be getting stitched up, they would want me to take off my shirt and hold the baby against my chest. The fucked up part about this, is that the baby usually comes out the womb hungry and ready to suck. So it's not unusual for the baby to try sucking on the dad's chest. I hope to god my wife doesn't have a c-section. I don't want my kids first experience in this world, to be sucking on a man tit. It just seems like the wrong direction to send the kid in.
After the video, we practiced different ways to stand, sit, or lay during the labor. We practiced breathing, and dealing with contractions (remember the clothes pin from the first class). Then we kind of just bullshitted for the last part of class, sharing stories, and personal info. And the last thing we did, was get the base for our car seat properly set in our car, by the cop that was in our class. Thanks again man. All and all, it was a good class and I'm glad we did it. So if any of you armboners are thinking about knocking up your girl, or if you're a female armboner and you're knocked up, be smart, take the class. You won't regret it.
The class started off with the teacher showing us a few more things we might encounter during labor, if there are any complications. The first thing was the vacuum, used in vacuum extration deliveries. It's not like a shop-vac, although that would be pretty funny. It was a hand held, pump vac. It had a cup at the end of a tube, the tube ran to a hand pump, and you grip the handle of it in and out to create suction. As she was holding it up, one of the other guys in the class started laughing to himself. The teacher turn to him and asked what he was laughing about.
"All I can think about is Austin Powers." he said.
The whole class busted out laughing. All at once, we realized that the vacuum looked exactly like the Swedish Penis Enlarger. "That's not my bag baby!" How did I let that slip by me, being the movie buff that I am? Anyways, she passed the it around so we could get feel for how strong the suction of the vacuum can be. When it got to me, I put my palm against the cup, and pumped the handle a few times. I thought about how painful it would be if I stuck my penis in it. I shit you not, the fucking vacuum was strong. Probably would suck the bedsheets straight up my ass. (Note to self, don't use delivery vacuum as swedish penis enlarger)
Then we watched a movie about c-sections. In the video, the couple that was having the child, were both deaf. I'm not to sure why, but that made laugh a little. The video was pretty interes...ya know what, I'm not gonna lie, I can't remember a fucking thing about the video because all I could think about was how they were both deaf. My wife and I started thinking of questions. How do they know when the baby is crying? How do they know if it's hungry? Do they sleep in shifts? If they're both sleeping at the same time, then how would they know if anything's wrong with the kid? I'm not sure, but I don't think there's a baby monitor that reaches out from your nightstand, and slaps you in the head if your not waking up to sound of your crying child. I could be wrong though. I did learn that when they perform the c-section, they still want the baby to have immediate skin to skin contact with a parent. So, while the wife would be getting stitched up, they would want me to take off my shirt and hold the baby against my chest. The fucked up part about this, is that the baby usually comes out the womb hungry and ready to suck. So it's not unusual for the baby to try sucking on the dad's chest. I hope to god my wife doesn't have a c-section. I don't want my kids first experience in this world, to be sucking on a man tit. It just seems like the wrong direction to send the kid in.
After the video, we practiced different ways to stand, sit, or lay during the labor. We practiced breathing, and dealing with contractions (remember the clothes pin from the first class). Then we kind of just bullshitted for the last part of class, sharing stories, and personal info. And the last thing we did, was get the base for our car seat properly set in our car, by the cop that was in our class. Thanks again man. All and all, it was a good class and I'm glad we did it. So if any of you armboners are thinking about knocking up your girl, or if you're a female armboner and you're knocked up, be smart, take the class. You won't regret it.
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