Edjumakation... It's real, goggle it!

Last week I took part in an 8 hour course on Hazardous Materials and the proper safety procedures in the workplace. The class was taught by this kind hearted, middle-aged African American fella, we’ll just call Scranford. Nicest guy you’ll ever meet, but to give you a good idea of what we’re dealing with here, this man recently told me that I can look up “Who’s on First” by Alfred and Costello on Goggles. When I tried to correct him, and said “Don’t you mean, look up Abbott and Costello on Google?" His response back was, “Yeah, dats what is said, Alfred and Costello on Goggles.” It's obivious that his level of edjumakation is much higher then any of us are accustom to. 

He started the class off with an introduction to the different types of hazardous materials we my be dealing with in the workplace. According to Scranford, hazardous materials can enter your system through 2 routes of entry. The first one is inhalation, and the second is indigestion. Yup, indigestion. Amazing! I would recommend having some Rolaids or Tums in your pocket whenever dealing with hazmat. He told us the Emergency Response Guidebook is broke up into three colors: yellow, blue, orange, and green. Yes three colors. As the entire class sat there laughing under their breath, he realized what is just said. He covered himself by saying, “Haha, I said three, didn’t I?”, and he laughed along with us. Last bit of info he learned us was worded like this, “ You can denitfy the ID # in da yellow. When dentifying what da spills is you should always refer to yo handandy guidebook”. That's right, han-dandy.

Next block of instruction was a video on Hazardous Materials. It was a 70’s type safety video. In the video, the camera pans across this shelf where they store a bunch of toxic materials. I noticed while scanning the shelf, right next to the bottle of bleach and the container of Comet, there was a bottle of “RAM ROD”. I thought to myself, "What the fuck is RAM ROD?" So I googled that shit on my iPhone, or goggled it, as Scranford would say. In my research I found a few things. First, a ramrod is a rod used for ramming home the charge in a muzzle loading firearm. Next I found that ramrod is slang for someone’s dick. Finally I found what had to be it. Apparently there is a company called, "RAM ROD Industries". They make hydraulic cylinders, so I’m  guessing  the bottle of RAM ROD on the shelf was hydraulic fluid. And you all thought it was just a funny line from Super Troopers.

We then learned the difference between “trippin n’ slippin”. Really? Get this. Slipping, is where you slip on a slick or slippery surface. Tripping, is when you actually trip over an obj…… seriously, we really have be taught this shit? We learned a slippery surface could be glossy tile, hardwood floors, or piss covered bathroom floors. Non-slip would be carpet, rubber floors, or textured metal. Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure nobody’s gonna be walking on a glossy hardwood floor in socks any time soon at a fucking helicopter repair facility. Just saying.

Last thing we was edjumakated on was proper protective equipment, or PPE. I shit you not, this is exactly how it went. Gloves, they protect your hands from chemicals. Goggles, although some would think this is a fantastic web browser, are actually used to protect your eyes from dust, liquids, and objects. Respirators protect you from breathing in fumes, dust, and vapors. Can anyone tell me what a hardhat is used for? How about slip resistant shoes, can anyone tell what they protect you from? Yup, that’s right, slipping! Holy shit, can we dumb this shit down anymore?! You would think that the army was chock full of slipping, tripping, drooling retards.