Armbone's Guide to Life, Parenting, and Living as a Functioning Dengenerate

When my wife first told me we were gonna be taking a birthing class, my first thoughts were, "Fuck that, I heard those classes were bullshit". Well I'm not gonna lie, I learned a lot and I'm glad we did it. Overall I had a good time, and meet some good people. Also gained a few armboners in the process. Well tonight was the last class. It was a little more tame then I would've liked, but there were a few good laughs. The class started off with the teacher showing us a few more things we might encounter during labor, if there are any complications. The first thing was the vacuum, used in vacuum extration deliveries. It's not like a shop-vac, although that would be pretty funny. It was a hand held, pump vac. It had a cup at the end of a tube, the tube ran to a hand pump, and you grip the handle of it in and out to create suction. As she was holding it up, one of the other guys in the class started laughing to himself. The teacher turn to him and asked what he

One place that I go to, to get away from the world and clear my head, is the gym. It's a place where I can go blow off stream, burn off extra energy, and basically make myself feel good about existing. The problem is, there's quite a few assholes out there that have no clue about gym etiquette. I swear these fucks are there with no idea what they're doing, and they always come close to ruining one of my favorite forms of therapy. So with all that said, let me run down a little list of unwritten rules that you need to know if you're one of these dickheads. Form - Listen, nobody gives a fuck how much weight you have on the bar. If you have 225 on the bench, and your reps consist of a 3 or 4 inch range of motion, then you're pretty much wasting your time. Do yourself a favor, drop down to 185, and do a full rep. And ask for a spot if you need it. You'll be working your muscles better, and you won't look like an asshole. I'm in the gym today and this fucki

Anybody that knows me, has most likely at some point meet "Hank". Hank is my drunken alter ego. An unstoppable force, that makes an appearance everytime I do shots. The stories of Hank are legendary. Fights, headbutt contests, snorting salt, arrests. You name it, he's done. One of these days I'll share the epic tales of "Hank the Tank", but tonight I will tell you about how my alter ego, has an alter ego of his own. And that guy is known to the world as "The Night-Pisser". I know what you might be thinking, and the answer is no. I'm not a schizo! I'm just a fun fucking guy, with a couple of fun fucking personalities, that like to have a fun fucking time! So back off! Sorry. The first time the Night-Pisser was ever discovered, was back when I was still living in my parents basement. At the time, my girlfriend and I had finished the basement and turned it into an apartment, and we were living down there together. It was just another typical

Birthing class numero tres was tonight. It was another interesting class, containing a couple moments of severe hilarity. The class laughed hard and the teacher informed me that she's never had so many inappropriate comments in any of her prior classes. Don't worry though, she said it in a good way. First thing that we went over tonight, were the different positions the woman can be in while pushing. The beginning was a pretty boring part of class for the man. We pretty much just sat there, while the women sat holding their knees, with their chins down to their chest, practicing pushing for ten seconds on and off. While this was going on, my mind had time to wander. So I was looking at the chart of different "pushing positions", and I couldn't help but notice that they all strangely resembled sex positions. Call me a pervert, but I bet I wasn't the only guy in the class that was thinking this shit. So here they are. There's the most common pushing positi

I've been pretty much all over the world in my life. I've seen many beautiful places. I've gotten completely shit-faced in at least a dozen countries. And along the way, as you probably could imagine, I managed to rack up a whole shitload of fucked up, yet classic stories. I figured tonight I would sure one with you. I spent 16 days in Germany with my wife a few years ago. We were taking leave from a deployment we were on with the Army national guard. If you've never been to Germany, I would strongly urge you to go. It's a full of gorgeous scenery, laid back poeple, speed limit-less highways, and they drink beer with breakfast. Tell me that doesn't sound like the perfect place to live. Well, my wife and I rented a car called an Opel Corsa, which is pretty much the size of a fucking tuna can and gets about 400 miles to the gallon. I'm not gonna lie though, the little shitbox could get up and go. My wife's mother meet us in Germany, and stayed with us fo

Tonight was our second birthing class and once again it was a good time. Just like last week, the class was filled with laughs. I once again managed to make the class a little more interesting for everyone, and also managed to get in a Back to the Future reference in consecutive weeks. It started off with the teacher talking about what we should do when the wife starts feeling contractions. Teacher told us that she should move around, keep active. She said we shouldn't automatically rush to the hospital like crazy people just because she may have felt something. My job's to time them, to keep tabs on how far apart they are. She asked us what we think we should do once we get to the hospital. There were some normal responses. Keep moving around, put on soothing music, maybe take a shower, etc. All typical, straight from the book answers. Well, as we all know, Armbone don't play that shit. My response was a little different. "Avoid elevators." I said. "Why

Growing up, one of favorite rappers was DMX. His first album was one of the most amazing things I ever heard and when I got it, it didn't leave my cd player for about six months. The guy is known for his gritty lyrics, his growl, and he's most known for barking like a dog. The dog bark is something that I've sort of mastered, and at some points during the night at work, you'll hear random barking from the back of the restaurant. That would be me. And in the process of perfecting the dog bark, I also started remaking some of his songs. Now I know you can't hear me rap this shit, but if you could I guarantee you'd laugh your ass off. A warning to all who are reading, DMX's lyrics are very gritty and graphic, so stop reading now if you can't take it. I'm guessing since you've made it this far into the life of Armbone that you're not easily offended. Listen to the first 45 seconds of this video and then read the lyrics by DMX and the remix by Arm

In the restaurant business there's an extensive vocabulary that would rarely apply to the outside world. Terms like "grat", "expo", "4-top", "prep-sequence", "86", these are all very familiar in the everyday talk at most restaurants. But working in the rib factory that I do, we've developed a much more advanced form of restaurant lingo. Tonight I will teach you just a few terms that are unique to our place. Pre-check tip none re-adjust. verb  1.  This is when the customer places the tip on the table before the check ever hits the table. Once they've received the check, the customer   looks at the total and no matter what it is, they do not change the amount of the tip they've already put down. Pre-check tip none re-adjuster . noun 1 . The dickhead that does the shit I just told you about above . 2 . Complete asshole. Once in a great while you get a customer that defies the odds. These people put down the tip ahead

Tonight was our first "birthing class". It was kind of an intro to what we're supposed to expect during labor and what not. It wasn't to bad. Especially because I have a hard time taking things serious, and anyone that's ever had a class with me knows some funny shit's gonna happen. I ask a lot of questions and make a lot of comments, keeping things interesting. If I don't, I tend to lose focus and the A.D.D. starts to kick in. It started off by the teacher showing us a diagram of what the inside of a woman looks like with a baby in it. The picture showed how the baby pretty much crushes the bladder and stomach, and the intestines get spread all around it. Here came stupid question number one. "Does the same thing happen to a man's stomach, bladder, and intestines when he grows a big beer gut?" I asked. People laughed, but it was somewhat of a serious question. "Well, no. You don't have a baby growing inside you." she answer