Fresh Prince, Poo Water, and Doggystyle
Tonight was our second birthing class and once again it was a good time. Just like last week, the class was filled with laughs. I once again managed to make the class a little more interesting for everyone, and also managed to get in a Back to the Future reference in consecutive weeks.
It started off with the teacher talking about what we should do when the wife starts feeling contractions. Teacher told us that she should move around, keep active. She said we shouldn't automatically rush to the hospital like crazy people just because she may have felt something. My job's to time them, to keep tabs on how far apart they are. She asked us what we think we should do once we get to the hospital. There were some normal responses. Keep moving around, put on soothing music, maybe take a shower, etc. All typical, straight from the book answers. Well, as we all know, Armbone don't play that shit. My response was a little different.
"Avoid elevators." I said.
"Why would you avoid the elevator? the teacher asked.
" Remember the Fresh Prince episode, when Vivian went into labor? Will and Uncle Phil got stuck in the elevator, and almost missed the delivery." I said.
The class laughed, but no bullshit 90% of the of them knew exactly what episode I was talking about. And of coarse they would, Fresh Prince of Bel Air is one of the greatest sitcoms of our time.
"That probably won't happen." the teacher siad.
"It could, I saw it on tv." I said.
"Not everything on tv is true." my wife chimmed in.
"Plus, she probably won't want anything to do with stairs in the condition she'll be in." teacher said.
"Well she can take the elevator, I'll stick with the stairs." I said.
Class got a good laugh at this ridiculous exchange.
Next she talked about the water breaking. What to do and what not. She told us to look at the color of it, to make sure it's a clear liquid. I'm pretty sure she said something about the smell, but I'm not positive. Something about making sure the water actually broke, and she didn't just piss her pants. I can't fucking remember. Maybe it's because all I can remember about this part of the class is "meconium". Which sounds a lot like plutonium. (Which, of coarse, is what is needed to power the flux capacitor. And you all remember last class.) And that's when she told us that if the water comes out with a green tint it's because of the meconium. Meconium is the the infant's first shit, made up all the stuff he's drinking in the womb. And as we covered last week, the amniotic fluid is also partically made up of his piss. Well, now I find out that sometimes the baby passes his meconium while he still in there. What the fuck?! Last week I found out the poor fucking kid is in there snacking on a steady diet of his own piss, and now I find out he may be drinking shit water. Why the hell would god make the pregnancy process 9 months. Cut the fucking kid some slack.
Then we watched a video. This was when I saw something that I never even thought of, let alone thought of ever seeing. The video showed a girl giving birth, while on her knees, bent over, gripping a pillow. I couldn't resist. I just started laughing, and that made the whole class follow suit in laughter. The words "Doggystyle Delivery" actually came out of my mouth. More laughter ensued. Call me juvenile, but I just couldn't help but think that exactly 9 months earlier the girl in the video was in the exact same position, conceiving the thing she looks like she's crapping out. The irony was fucking hysterical.
Last thing was the pretend contractions we had to do on the floor. Everyone got down on their blankets, and the husbands gave back rubs to the wives, while the wives pinched their hands with clothes pins to simulate the pain of a contraction. The teacher would say when to pinch and when to stop pinching. While this was going on, the teacher was passing around an exercise ball so each girl can get a turn sitting on the ball. Apparently this is comfortable for prego women. Well, when the ball got around to us, the couple next to us handed me the ball while my wife was still leaning forward. So I sat on the ball and continued rubbing her back. The class started laughing, and one of the girls in the class proceeds to dime me out. My wife turned around and threw her "contraction" at me while the class stayed well entertained. Never a fucking dull moment, I'm telling ya.
It started off with the teacher talking about what we should do when the wife starts feeling contractions. Teacher told us that she should move around, keep active. She said we shouldn't automatically rush to the hospital like crazy people just because she may have felt something. My job's to time them, to keep tabs on how far apart they are. She asked us what we think we should do once we get to the hospital. There were some normal responses. Keep moving around, put on soothing music, maybe take a shower, etc. All typical, straight from the book answers. Well, as we all know, Armbone don't play that shit. My response was a little different.
"Avoid elevators." I said.
"Why would you avoid the elevator? the teacher asked.
" Remember the Fresh Prince episode, when Vivian went into labor? Will and Uncle Phil got stuck in the elevator, and almost missed the delivery." I said.
The class laughed, but no bullshit 90% of the of them knew exactly what episode I was talking about. And of coarse they would, Fresh Prince of Bel Air is one of the greatest sitcoms of our time.
"That probably won't happen." the teacher siad.
"It could, I saw it on tv." I said.
"Not everything on tv is true." my wife chimmed in.
"Plus, she probably won't want anything to do with stairs in the condition she'll be in." teacher said.
"Well she can take the elevator, I'll stick with the stairs." I said.
Class got a good laugh at this ridiculous exchange.
Next she talked about the water breaking. What to do and what not. She told us to look at the color of it, to make sure it's a clear liquid. I'm pretty sure she said something about the smell, but I'm not positive. Something about making sure the water actually broke, and she didn't just piss her pants. I can't fucking remember. Maybe it's because all I can remember about this part of the class is "meconium". Which sounds a lot like plutonium. (Which, of coarse, is what is needed to power the flux capacitor. And you all remember last class.) And that's when she told us that if the water comes out with a green tint it's because of the meconium. Meconium is the the infant's first shit, made up all the stuff he's drinking in the womb. And as we covered last week, the amniotic fluid is also partically made up of his piss. Well, now I find out that sometimes the baby passes his meconium while he still in there. What the fuck?! Last week I found out the poor fucking kid is in there snacking on a steady diet of his own piss, and now I find out he may be drinking shit water. Why the hell would god make the pregnancy process 9 months. Cut the fucking kid some slack.
Then we watched a video. This was when I saw something that I never even thought of, let alone thought of ever seeing. The video showed a girl giving birth, while on her knees, bent over, gripping a pillow. I couldn't resist. I just started laughing, and that made the whole class follow suit in laughter. The words "Doggystyle Delivery" actually came out of my mouth. More laughter ensued. Call me juvenile, but I just couldn't help but think that exactly 9 months earlier the girl in the video was in the exact same position, conceiving the thing she looks like she's crapping out. The irony was fucking hysterical.
Last thing was the pretend contractions we had to do on the floor. Everyone got down on their blankets, and the husbands gave back rubs to the wives, while the wives pinched their hands with clothes pins to simulate the pain of a contraction. The teacher would say when to pinch and when to stop pinching. While this was going on, the teacher was passing around an exercise ball so each girl can get a turn sitting on the ball. Apparently this is comfortable for prego women. Well, when the ball got around to us, the couple next to us handed me the ball while my wife was still leaning forward. So I sat on the ball and continued rubbing her back. The class started laughing, and one of the girls in the class proceeds to dime me out. My wife turned around and threw her "contraction" at me while the class stayed well entertained. Never a fucking dull moment, I'm telling ya.
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