Protection from what? Zee Germans?
I've been pretty much all over the world in my life. I've seen many beautiful places. I've gotten completely shit-faced in at least a dozen countries. And along the way, as you probably could imagine, I managed to rack up a whole shitload of fucked up, yet classic stories. I figured tonight I would sure one with you.
I spent 16 days in Germany with my wife a few years ago. We were taking leave from a deployment we were on with the Army national guard. If you've never been to Germany, I would strongly urge you to go. It's a full of gorgeous scenery, laid back poeple, speed limit-less highways, and they drink beer with breakfast. Tell me that doesn't sound like the perfect place to live. Well, my wife and I rented a car called an Opel Corsa, which is pretty much the size of a fucking tuna can and gets about 400 miles to the gallon. I'm not gonna lie though, the little shitbox could get up and go. My wife's mother meet us in Germany, and stayed with us for a couple days. After the reunion was over, we had to bring her to the airport in Munich. This is where the trip got pretty interesting. After dropping her off, we were trying to find our way to a hotel in Munich, so we could spend the night and hit up the bars in the city. Well the directions the dickhead at the gas station gave us, were to take the second right and it would bring us to the highway. So what would you do? Take the second right... right? Well we did, but it didn't take us to the highway. At the end of that road we didn't have a choice but to make another right. I looked back and noticed that I couldn't turn around because the road we just drove down was a one way street. For a split second, I thought the degenerate asshole from the gas station and his buddies were gonna jump out from behind a parked car, rob us, rape us, and steal our Corsa. Maybe I've seen too many movie or something. So with that idea in my head, I took the right and kept on driving. As we traveled down this road, we noticed that the road seemed to be getting more and more narrow the further we went. Then all of the sudden we realized that we were driving down a bicycle path and we were entering the woods. My wife asked me if I was gonna turn around, but at this point it was too late. We were already in the fucking woods and our car, as small as it was, was too big to turn around in the middle of the bike path. I'm not gonna lie, at this point I was getting little nervous because I had no clue how I was gonna get us out of this perdicament. Then all of the sudden I noticed something. Holy shit! I could see cars driving parallel to us through the trees. It was the fucking autobahn! So I immediately went into Jason Bourne mode, and gased the Corsa. I got my speed up and waited for an openning in the trees for me to launch the little whip into traffic. And that's exactly what we did. As soon as the perfect opportunity arrived, we hopped through the trees, over the edge of the highway, and blended right into the flowing traffic. I swear the cars that ended up behind us had to have shit their pants. It's amazing we're still alive.
That was only one story from Germany. There are many more. Like para-gliding from 8,000 feet off the Bavarian Alps. Getting hammered and going to what we thought was a strip club, but it turned out to be a whore house. Doing incredible speeds on the Autobahn in a tuna can. I will eventually tell you some more of my german adventures, but for now, I'll leave you with a short video of me making one of the worst decisions of my life. Make sure you turn up the volume. She was scary! Enjoy armboners.
I spent 16 days in Germany with my wife a few years ago. We were taking leave from a deployment we were on with the Army national guard. If you've never been to Germany, I would strongly urge you to go. It's a full of gorgeous scenery, laid back poeple, speed limit-less highways, and they drink beer with breakfast. Tell me that doesn't sound like the perfect place to live. Well, my wife and I rented a car called an Opel Corsa, which is pretty much the size of a fucking tuna can and gets about 400 miles to the gallon. I'm not gonna lie though, the little shitbox could get up and go. My wife's mother meet us in Germany, and stayed with us for a couple days. After the reunion was over, we had to bring her to the airport in Munich. This is where the trip got pretty interesting. After dropping her off, we were trying to find our way to a hotel in Munich, so we could spend the night and hit up the bars in the city. Well the directions the dickhead at the gas station gave us, were to take the second right and it would bring us to the highway. So what would you do? Take the second right... right? Well we did, but it didn't take us to the highway. At the end of that road we didn't have a choice but to make another right. I looked back and noticed that I couldn't turn around because the road we just drove down was a one way street. For a split second, I thought the degenerate asshole from the gas station and his buddies were gonna jump out from behind a parked car, rob us, rape us, and steal our Corsa. Maybe I've seen too many movie or something. So with that idea in my head, I took the right and kept on driving. As we traveled down this road, we noticed that the road seemed to be getting more and more narrow the further we went. Then all of the sudden we realized that we were driving down a bicycle path and we were entering the woods. My wife asked me if I was gonna turn around, but at this point it was too late. We were already in the fucking woods and our car, as small as it was, was too big to turn around in the middle of the bike path. I'm not gonna lie, at this point I was getting little nervous because I had no clue how I was gonna get us out of this perdicament. Then all of the sudden I noticed something. Holy shit! I could see cars driving parallel to us through the trees. It was the fucking autobahn! So I immediately went into Jason Bourne mode, and gased the Corsa. I got my speed up and waited for an openning in the trees for me to launch the little whip into traffic. And that's exactly what we did. As soon as the perfect opportunity arrived, we hopped through the trees, over the edge of the highway, and blended right into the flowing traffic. I swear the cars that ended up behind us had to have shit their pants. It's amazing we're still alive.
That was only one story from Germany. There are many more. Like para-gliding from 8,000 feet off the Bavarian Alps. Getting hammered and going to what we thought was a strip club, but it turned out to be a whore house. Doing incredible speeds on the Autobahn in a tuna can. I will eventually tell you some more of my german adventures, but for now, I'll leave you with a short video of me making one of the worst decisions of my life. Make sure you turn up the volume. She was scary! Enjoy armboners.
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