Piss, Life Savers, and Flux Capacitors
Tonight was our first "birthing class". It was kind of an intro to what we're supposed to expect during labor and what not. It wasn't to bad. Especially because I have a hard time taking things serious, and anyone that's ever had a class with me knows some funny shit's gonna happen. I ask a lot of questions and make a lot of comments, keeping things interesting. If I don't, I tend to lose focus and the A.D.D. starts to kick in.
It started off by the teacher showing us a diagram of what the inside of a woman looks like with a baby in it. The picture showed how the baby pretty much crushes the bladder and stomach, and the intestines get spread all around it. Here came stupid question number one.
"Does the same thing happen to a man's stomach, bladder, and intestines when he grows a big beer gut?" I asked. People laughed, but it was somewhat of a serious question.
"Well, no. You don't have a baby growing inside you." she answered.
"You sure? I don't think the fat just grows off the front of ya." I said.
"I'm not sure," she said, "I've never had anyone ask that question before."
"I'll just start doing more sit-ups, just in case." I said. Again everyone laughed.
Next she talked about the amniotic fluid. This was the part of the class where I learned the my child is in there drinking this stuff, pissing it out, floating around in it, and then drinking it again. So in the process he's drinking his own piss. Isn't that wonderful. I mean what the fuck, this poor guy's in there drinking this fluid for free, it would cost at least $200 for me to drink my own piss. Just kidding.
Then the teacher starts talking about the cervix. She tells the class to touch the tip of our nose with our index finger to get an idea of what our cervix feels like. So picture the whole class sitting there like a bunch of idiots touching their noses, women and men. I'm looking around the room with my finger on my nose, and thought of stupid question number two. I leaned over to my wife and asked,
"Do I have a cervix?"
"What? No!" she whisper/yelled at me.
"I didn't think so. Then why the fuck I'm I touching my nose?" I said. She burst out laughing, loud enough to get the teacher's attention. The teacher asked what was funny, and I told her the whole mini conversation my wife and I just had. That lead to the whole class laughing their asses off, and most of the guys in the room feeling a little dumber for not thinking of it first.
Next was the "life saver example" the teacher used. She handed out life savers to everyone in the room and told us to just suck on them, no chewing. The way the life saver fades in size, yet the hole in the middle grew in size, was supposed to be an example of what happens to the cervix during labor. Here was stupid question numero tres.
"Is it normal for half to fade faster then the other half? Or am I just sucking on one half of my cervix more then the other?" I asked.
Once again, the class laughed and the teacher looked at me with a look on her face like, what the hell is wrong with you. Probably more because of the way I worded the question, not so much because of the question itself. Turns out it's not uncommon for one half to fade faster then the other. Who woulda thunk it.
I know this post is a little longer then others, so I'll wrap it up. The last thing she showed us was what the top of the baby's head looks like coming out of a 10cm vagina. I'm not gonna lie, soon as I saw it I thought of "Back to the Future". No bullshit, the top of the head looks like a flux capacitor. I pointed it out to the class. Everyone laughed, but the teacher. She didn't know what everyone was laughing about, so she asked,
"What's a flux capacitor?"
My only response was, "It's what makes time travel possible."
The class laughed even harder. Good night armboners.
It started off by the teacher showing us a diagram of what the inside of a woman looks like with a baby in it. The picture showed how the baby pretty much crushes the bladder and stomach, and the intestines get spread all around it. Here came stupid question number one.
"Does the same thing happen to a man's stomach, bladder, and intestines when he grows a big beer gut?" I asked. People laughed, but it was somewhat of a serious question.
"Well, no. You don't have a baby growing inside you." she answered.
"You sure? I don't think the fat just grows off the front of ya." I said.
"I'm not sure," she said, "I've never had anyone ask that question before."
"I'll just start doing more sit-ups, just in case." I said. Again everyone laughed.
Next she talked about the amniotic fluid. This was the part of the class where I learned the my child is in there drinking this stuff, pissing it out, floating around in it, and then drinking it again. So in the process he's drinking his own piss. Isn't that wonderful. I mean what the fuck, this poor guy's in there drinking this fluid for free, it would cost at least $200 for me to drink my own piss. Just kidding.
Then the teacher starts talking about the cervix. She tells the class to touch the tip of our nose with our index finger to get an idea of what our cervix feels like. So picture the whole class sitting there like a bunch of idiots touching their noses, women and men. I'm looking around the room with my finger on my nose, and thought of stupid question number two. I leaned over to my wife and asked,
"Do I have a cervix?"
"What? No!" she whisper/yelled at me.
"I didn't think so. Then why the fuck I'm I touching my nose?" I said. She burst out laughing, loud enough to get the teacher's attention. The teacher asked what was funny, and I told her the whole mini conversation my wife and I just had. That lead to the whole class laughing their asses off, and most of the guys in the room feeling a little dumber for not thinking of it first.
Next was the "life saver example" the teacher used. She handed out life savers to everyone in the room and told us to just suck on them, no chewing. The way the life saver fades in size, yet the hole in the middle grew in size, was supposed to be an example of what happens to the cervix during labor. Here was stupid question numero tres.
"Is it normal for half to fade faster then the other half? Or am I just sucking on one half of my cervix more then the other?" I asked.
Once again, the class laughed and the teacher looked at me with a look on her face like, what the hell is wrong with you. Probably more because of the way I worded the question, not so much because of the question itself. Turns out it's not uncommon for one half to fade faster then the other. Who woulda thunk it.
I know this post is a little longer then others, so I'll wrap it up. The last thing she showed us was what the top of the baby's head looks like coming out of a 10cm vagina. I'm not gonna lie, soon as I saw it I thought of "Back to the Future". No bullshit, the top of the head looks like a flux capacitor. I pointed it out to the class. Everyone laughed, but the teacher. She didn't know what everyone was laughing about, so she asked,
"What's a flux capacitor?"
My only response was, "It's what makes time travel possible."
The class laughed even harder. Good night armboners.
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