The Adventures of the Night-Pisser
Anybody that knows me, has most likely at some point meet "Hank". Hank is my drunken alter ego. An unstoppable force, that makes an appearance everytime I do shots. The stories of Hank are legendary. Fights, headbutt contests, snorting salt, arrests. You name it, he's done. One of these days I'll share the epic tales of "Hank the Tank", but tonight I will tell you about how my alter ego, has an alter ego of his own. And that guy is known to the world as "The Night-Pisser". I know what you might be thinking, and the answer is no. I'm not a schizo! I'm just a fun fucking guy, with a couple of fun fucking personalities, that like to have a fun fucking time! So back off! Sorry.
The first time the Night-Pisser was ever discovered, was back when I was still living in my parents basement. At the time, my girlfriend and I had finished the basement and turned it into an apartment, and we were living down there together. It was just another typical drunken night down at the bar. I got completely shit-faced and converted into Hank. When I got home, I went to bed. My girlfriend was awoken around 6:30 in the morning to what she said sounded like trickling water. There was just enough light coming through the basement window for her to see that the sound she heard was definitely not water trickling. She looked over the see me standing in front of our closet, with the curtain open, and pissing into all of my shoes.
She screamed, "Stop! What the fuck are you doing!? Your peeing in the closet!"
I was unresponsive to her screams, dispite maybe a few grunts. So the the only thing she could do, was throw a towel at me, tell me to clean up my mess, and head upstairs for some cleaning products. As I sat indian style in a puddle of my own piss, scrubbing the floor with a towel, I suddenly woke up.
"What the fuck am I doing down here?" I said to my girl as she came back downstairs.
"That's your piss you're cleaning, and sitting in." she said, as I tipped a shoe upside down, splashing urine all over my feet.
"OH! What the fuck!" I screamed.
Do you know what that beautiful girl did 5 years later. She married me! Holy shit right. And that was just the first of many Night-Pisser appearances she had to deal with. Isn't she a saint?
The Night-Pisser has left his mark on many things, in many places. Walls, couches, shoes, ect. All funny stories. But one particular incident might top them all. Neither my wife, or myself, can sleep in silence. Most likely from our deployments, and having to get used to sleeping through the sound of generators. So for a long time we slept with a big floor fan running, pointing towards the bed. During the summer we kept the bedroom door open, so the fan would blow the a/c at the bed. Well this night was another hot summer night, that most likely had some shots involed. Once again, my wife woke to the sound of trickling water. By this time, she was a seasoned veteran in dealing with The Night-Pisser, so she immediately flipped on the light. As the room lite up, she looked over to see me standing directly in front of the fan. I was peeing straight into the fan, while it was set on high. Piss-mist (bet you never heard that term) was blowing all over my legs and the floor. Being the smarty that she is, she skipped trying to tell me to stop. We all know that wouldn't have done shit. Instead, she ran over and unplugged the fan. Then she did the usual, got the cleaning products and some towels, and I began cleaning. Again, about half into cleaning up, is when I actually woke up. It was definitely a giant fucking mess. The next day, I had to dismantle the entire fan to clean it, because there was a pool of piss in the bottom of it, and I couldn't turn it back on without showering the room with pee. This Night-Pisser incident was definitely an eye opener. I have done my best to tone it down since then. I actually thought about writing a comic book, The Adventures of the Night-Pisser. His arch enemy would be the evil, Professor Pampers. I think it would be a hit.
The first time the Night-Pisser was ever discovered, was back when I was still living in my parents basement. At the time, my girlfriend and I had finished the basement and turned it into an apartment, and we were living down there together. It was just another typical drunken night down at the bar. I got completely shit-faced and converted into Hank. When I got home, I went to bed. My girlfriend was awoken around 6:30 in the morning to what she said sounded like trickling water. There was just enough light coming through the basement window for her to see that the sound she heard was definitely not water trickling. She looked over the see me standing in front of our closet, with the curtain open, and pissing into all of my shoes.
She screamed, "Stop! What the fuck are you doing!? Your peeing in the closet!"
I was unresponsive to her screams, dispite maybe a few grunts. So the the only thing she could do, was throw a towel at me, tell me to clean up my mess, and head upstairs for some cleaning products. As I sat indian style in a puddle of my own piss, scrubbing the floor with a towel, I suddenly woke up.
"What the fuck am I doing down here?" I said to my girl as she came back downstairs.
"That's your piss you're cleaning, and sitting in." she said, as I tipped a shoe upside down, splashing urine all over my feet.
"OH! What the fuck!" I screamed.
Do you know what that beautiful girl did 5 years later. She married me! Holy shit right. And that was just the first of many Night-Pisser appearances she had to deal with. Isn't she a saint?
The Night-Pisser has left his mark on many things, in many places. Walls, couches, shoes, ect. All funny stories. But one particular incident might top them all. Neither my wife, or myself, can sleep in silence. Most likely from our deployments, and having to get used to sleeping through the sound of generators. So for a long time we slept with a big floor fan running, pointing towards the bed. During the summer we kept the bedroom door open, so the fan would blow the a/c at the bed. Well this night was another hot summer night, that most likely had some shots involed. Once again, my wife woke to the sound of trickling water. By this time, she was a seasoned veteran in dealing with The Night-Pisser, so she immediately flipped on the light. As the room lite up, she looked over to see me standing directly in front of the fan. I was peeing straight into the fan, while it was set on high. Piss-mist (bet you never heard that term) was blowing all over my legs and the floor. Being the smarty that she is, she skipped trying to tell me to stop. We all know that wouldn't have done shit. Instead, she ran over and unplugged the fan. Then she did the usual, got the cleaning products and some towels, and I began cleaning. Again, about half into cleaning up, is when I actually woke up. It was definitely a giant fucking mess. The next day, I had to dismantle the entire fan to clean it, because there was a pool of piss in the bottom of it, and I couldn't turn it back on without showering the room with pee. This Night-Pisser incident was definitely an eye opener. I have done my best to tone it down since then. I actually thought about writing a comic book, The Adventures of the Night-Pisser. His arch enemy would be the evil, Professor Pampers. I think it would be a hit.
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