I love my stinky wife!

I used to be a big believer that women only shit on the 25th hour of the day. I grew up in a house where in 20 plus years I never heard my mom rip a fart, or for that matter, blow up the bathroom. My sister would gas the fucking house out, but she was my sister and for whatever reason I never really counted her as "female". I guess to me she was just the stinky fucker that lived across the hall from me and my brother. Well now I'm 29 years old, I'm married, and I have my first son on the way. I already love the kid more than anything in the world, but the little shit is causing my beautiful wife to unleash some of the worst orders ever released into the atmosphere. I swear to god if we could bottle this smell, we could drop a plane full of it into the mountains of Afghanistan and we'd have Bin Laden in minutes. It's pretty much torture. I never in my life thought I'd have to sleep with a bottle of air freshener on the nightstand beside me.

My wife has to work very early every morning and I work nights. So most of the time when I get home she's already fast asleep. After I shower, eat some food, and watch a little tv, it's usually time to head to bed. Something I'm really starting to dread. Why you ask? On more than one occasion lately I've walked straight into, what can only be described as a "Mega Dutch Oven". (For those of you who don't know what a Dutch Oven is, it's when your in bed with someone and you fart, then you pull the blanket over their head and force them to bake in your oven of stink.) I shit you not, when I open the bedroom door it hits me in the face like a ton of bricks, and I have no choice but to sack up, pinch the nose, and hustle to the nightstand. And for those of you taking notes, and thinking about picking up a can of air freshener, only spray once. Because not only does a pregnant woman not have complete control of her deadly ass cannon, she also has the sense of smell of a fucking basset hound. Anything more than one spray and she will wake up out of a deep sleep gagging, and run to the bathroom about to puke, all while cursing you out on the way there. There's nothing like sharing a bed with a pissed off, gassy, prego, wife after you just woke her up at 2am by nearly posioning her.

I know this is my first child, but I feel like this is golden information that needs to be shared. Think of it as a fair warning to all of my armboners that are thinking about reproducing. And one last thing, if you know my wife and are having any thoughts of breaking her balls about this subject, I hope to god you're wearing a cup when you do, and have a concrete escape plan. I'm pretty sure she will kick you in the nuts and fart in your face while you're down. You've been warned.